I've had this post sitting as a draft for a couple of days. Tossing up whether or not I even wanted to post about it. It has absolutely nothing to do with fashion, photography, makeup or even hair. But fuck, theres a reason I haven't been posting about any of that as of late, the last thing I've wanted to do it pose in front of a camera in my #ootd. Yes I absolutely love it, I love being creative in that sense but mainly I just loved the writing that went with it. Usually it had absolutely nothing to do with the outfit and it was just a way for me to tell a funny story or vent. I don't really do that much anymore, I guess if I write a post under an outfit I spend majority of it talking about how I can make an outfit go from day to night with the help of glitter and a maybe some extra height. Which to be honest, I'm not sure if anyone really gives a fuck about that- I know at the moment, its the furtherest thing from my mind. I also got a bit worried about the way I was perceived and tried really hard not to offend anyone. For instance a certain teen mag didn't want to promote my blog if there was swearing, but I literally fucking talk like this. So i'd be "fuck this, fuck that" in my real life then on Instagram or my blog be like "love this (insert product, probs a herbal tea- lesbehonest) its really awesome, its benefits sure are dandy" when really it taste like any other god damn herbal tea 'cause they all taste the same- like dirt- unless its peppermint obviously that tastes like fucking toothpaste. So then I remembered that this was my platform in the first place. So fuck it, I'm gonna talk about whats really been taking up most of my time cause it's stressful and I need an outlet.
**I'll put a trigger warning though. Because even though I only touch on certain things, my way of dealing with issues is with a dark-er sense of humour. One day I said I wouldn't cry over myself anymore and I haven't since**
This is to show that I really do spend a lot of time in bed
Its become a pretty normal part of my life, waking but not getting out of bed or waking, getting up, only to find myself returning within an hour/or two.
I wouldn't go as far as to say I was depressed again. I wouldn't even really go as far as to say I'm sad-
I would however say I'm confused and reluctant to spend too much time thinking about it, because god knows once I do that it is like opening the flood gates and surprisingly its only anger that I feel.
For someone who has grown up slightly swaying on the shit end of the heath scale, like I'm not 'sick' as such but I have had a lot of fucking stuff wrong with me. Did I bring it upon myself? Maybe. I always told myself it was just something I would eventually grow out of but found myself actually growing into it. Like it became a part of me, if there wasn't something wrong then something must be wrong.
Now, I haven't given much thought to where exactly this is going, I haven't thought about which direction to go in or whether to just stick my fingers down the proverbial throat and spew out everything and anything (don't worry I had an eating disorder too, so I can make distasteful analogies right?).
This is me when I was my most sick
No, I don't think I will go into the list of things I battled in my earlier years because that was then and this is now. And to talk about those high school/uni days would be to feed into an indulgence that I've developed when it comes to talking about that part of my life.
What you need to understand about me is that for as long as I can remember there has been something wrong with me- nothing big, nothing bad enough for people to think "sucks to be her" and nothing even scary enough to be life threatening unless I chose to go down that path (except for the fits I was having where I would black out and stop breathing, but I would 9/10 times pull myself out of that, the 10th time being when a teacher had to resuscitate me on a school camp). I guess in those years where people are finding out what they are good at, what they want to be when they grow up and what truly inspires them- I was in bed. I was spending more time with my doctor than I was at school. I was whiling myself to enjoy needles (which paid off considering I don't even flinch now). I was stuck in my own head so much so that I actually thought I could develop telekinetic powers. THAT'S how fucking bored I got. But I was also so tired and so unmotivated that it really didn't cross my mind to own my own life- take back control. Plus I was seventeen and not being forced to go to school- some people told me I was living the dream.
This is me when I was in hospital
I was good at being less healthy than the average healthy person.
Fast forward 5 years, a couple of fits and a few depressed days later, I'm a grown ass adult. About to move out of home to the big smoke, ready to build up a larger blog following and hopefully put more time and energy into being creative- hey I might even teach a few days here and there if I feel the need. Who knows the world is my oyster and I'm the boss.
Then I feel a sharp stab that moves through my body like a fucking fish being gutted. Period pain is nothing new but I'm only half way through my cycle. I sit down on the edge of my bed and I hold my breath, it gets worse before it starts to ease and say to myself over and over again "Not today. Not today. Not today". I will myself up and stub my toe on the corner of the bed (fuck you) and go to the bathroom.
Not heavy enough for me to scream out and try explain to my dad whats going on (It's ovulation dad, and it hurts, now I'm spotting! No dad, that isn't the same thing as my period. Well, yeah, I guess it is all from the same area. Yes dad, I'm definitely positive its not my period. Here quick read this "Period for Dummies" book so you can catch up). But, blood non the less, and not at the right time when having blood on your underwear is less of a chilling thought.
I book in for my first ever appointment with a gynecologist. He just happens to be male. I just happen to not overly enjoy males that aren't my dad or my brothers or my boyfriend (don't worry I grew out of that, I know, all men aren't evil, but hey, I had good reason). But he's nice. He does forget about me though, as I spent almost two hours in the waiting room whilst mothers and other ladies trotted in, even if they came after me. But I'm actually fine with that as I don't really want to be here anyway. I chose to do this on my own, as doctors waiting offices are nothing new to me- it was probably the only independence I ever had.
I go in, he does his thing, I wont go into detail- 'cause, i'm liberal but I aint that liberal- but he is professional none the less. It hurts and its just really uncomfortable.He tells me to look at the ultrasound screen, like the ones that soon to be mothers look at when they get to see their baby for the first time, something I would imagine would be a more joyous occasion than what I was about to experience.It's a cyst! Your having a cyst! Congratulations! Can you see it, right there on your left ovary. It's one of those common ones that most women get and some can just live with them and never even have symptoms- which as it turns out was me. The cyst wasn't causing any discomfort it was the- now let me see if I can get this right- An..any..mosis? En..o...enometicosis? endo...endometreeooosssiisssss?
Welcome Endometriosis,Let me introduce you to depression, anxiety, glandular fever, chronic fatigue (thats Glandular Fevers evil older brother, try not to stare) blackouts, fits, eating disorder, eczema, and poor eyesight. You'll be bunking with these guys, they have been here for a while and don't tend to cause too much emotional or physical pain anymore. But I see you've brought some friends, infertility is it? I've heard awful things. Oh and how could I forget Hormonal Imbalance. You're a real fucking bitch. And lastly this must be Debilitating Pain, how very horrible to meet you, come to think of it, I would actually prefer it if you left.
This isnt' me but its funny and relevant
So one laparoscopy later, the Endometriosis is worse that first depicted and I'm faced with this gut wrenching feeling that I just couldn't shake.
I'm not going to be able to have children.
Despite my gynecologists passing words of "you'll have plenty of babies!". I just couldn't shake this feeling, call it mothers intuition (ironic? cruel?) but I just sensed it. I still do.
I haven't been on the pill (don't even get me started on my hatred for 'The Pill'), though apparently this helps Endometriosis because it helps keep the excess Estrogen at bay, which is apparently necessary to be a women but too much of it causes nasty things like Breast Cancer and Ovarian Cancer and Endometrial Cancer and my new best friend Endometriosis. But I wasn't having any of that "you must be on the pill!" talk because that fucking little pill caused me to lose my fucking mind. The world is a harsh place when its like "Here is the key to your pain free life, but if you take it, you probably will spiral into depression, and you probably will die".
My point is, I'm not on the pill (or using any other contraception for that matter, don't worry I'm in a steady relationship, if I was having multiple partners it would be a very different story). But haven't fallen pregnant. This is where is gets messy. "Soooo you're trying to have a baby?"- ah no not real.. "So your not trying to have a baby thats a little irresponsible?"- well I guess now that you mention... "Haven't you only known your boyfriend for like a hot minute?" - okay just hang on there one minu.... "aren't you still only renting a house? With three other boys?"- They want a dog, a baby is like a dog yeah?. "You don't even have a full time job!?", "You only just learnt how to cook your own dinner!", "You don't even have your own health insurance!". OKAY OKAY I GET IT.
This is the type of conversation I have with myself every day.
I'm my own worst enemy and when I feel like i'm running out of time, I. Fucking. Panic. Everyone is told that they need to do life in a certain order. You study, you get a job, you buy a house (make sure you fall in love somewhere between job and house), get married, have children, get old, retire, move to Florida and die.
So far I've studied, got a job not in my field, fell in love, brought a new Becca highlighter (fucking worth it), discussed IVF, accepted worse case scenario, punched a wall (slapped), booked in for another laparoscopy and hysteroscopy, contemplated veganism, settled for vegetarianism for now and tried not to google "endometriosis and infertility" too often (five to ten times a day is fine).
I'm 24, my boyfriend is also 24, he is from England, I'm from Australia, we aren't even ready for joint accounts at a bank let alone at the IVF Clinic. I'm not at all ready for children but I also don't want to get to 30 and try for a baby and be told I didn't take action soon enough. Which brings me to now. Limbo. I'm in such a confused state of mind that I just don't know what any of my options are. I mean, hell, the lady at the IVF clinic put out her hand for my paper work and instead of giving it to her I awkwardly grabbed her hand to shake it- not what she fucking wanted and the surprise skin on skin action with a stranger just left us both standing there awkwardly with my hand on hers for what felt like eternity. It obviously wasn't 'cause Ellis said he didn't even notice, but it stuck with me the whole time she took my blood and told me to pee in a cup. I was a mess. I am a mess. But what I do know is, I'll be VERY lucky if I fall pregnant naturally or with IVF (I probably wont be able to have children naturally- ever, because of the particular places my endometriosis grow) So every step of starting a family will be planed and paid for and thats what I have to start thinking about now.
It's like being told in high school you have to decide what you want to do in life when your 18 and all you want to do is drink and party. I'm 24, all I want to do is travel and fucking find myself or what ever you're supposed to do. But fuck, instead I'm back in the doctors office, watching shitty fucking Sunrise on 7, updating my Instagram, not mentioning any of this and just pretending I'm not at all incredibly fucking frustrated with myself.
I feel like Kylie Jenner said it the best...
"Like I feel like every year has a new energy... Like I feel like this year is really about, like the year of just realising stuff and everyone around me we're all just realising things. 2016- looking good"
-Kylie Jenner, on her 2016 resolutions.
...Really moving stuff.